I've done so much since I posted last & this rant isn't going to be much about being a geek. Well sort of, but not really.
I've been looking back on myself, how I have changed physically, spiritually, & mentally. Changing inwardly has taken a serious toll on how I appear physically. I was the awkward child all elbows & knees, uncomfortable in my own skin proverbially & physically. I knew I wasn't an attractive child but I tried to at least be cute. Once I finally grew up a little into my late teens early twenties I managed to have that cuteness. At which point I was already viewed by too many as the "sweet cute sister" type. I wanted more so I pressed on to search out how to become sexy, little did I know that it was something that would come at a price. I lost my innocence that made me so loving, forgiving, wondering, exploring life & the world around me with such sweetness that would put a diabetic into a coma. I had foolishly entered a marriage with a foolish man. My heart was shattered & my soul was crushed but it wasn't until I was physically beaten that I became wise enough to leave.
As I left & closed the door to that part of my life, I unknowingly closed the door to the part of me that was cute. I gained knowledge that comes from making harsh mistakes but it made me walk with an all new confidence. Gaining that confidence is when I was first called "sexy". I spent time & effort to keep my physical appearance up to that level of sexy but a piece of me longed for the ease of cuteness that had become a natural part of me.
I found a good man & fell in love. By the time I had met him, I had made a list of all the basic things I wanted in a man: No tobacco or any kind of drug use, not a musician, must have a steady job & not just something at a gas station but a good career, a great sense of humor that understood my own, not a father 'cause I was tired of getting attached to the kids then finding out their dad was an ass. My husband met all of the basic requirements & more. He has made me laugh so much since I met him, that I have laugh lines around my mouth.
A few years after marrying him I became very sick. My misdiagnosed genetic condition had finally caught up with me & my body declared it would take no more. I spent the better part of 2 years in the hospital & my spirit withered. Being ill in such a manner will change a persons entire self. My physical form changed as I was stuck as an invalid for so long & so did my mental state. I have mentioned to some about when I knew I was about to die. I remember praying that God give me the strength to tell my family that I loved them before I died. That was my last thought before waking a day later much to the relief of everyone around. My spirit was never quite the same after that.
Some time later I realized that I no longer had the "sexy" I did before. I was old (or I felt old) sick & my body had lost so much muscle that my shape had become altered. I also had a lot of IV holes in me which didn't help. My husband would tell me that I was sexy but as others can tell you; our husbands often see us with their hearts not their eyes. I am thankful he sees me with his heart & at the same time I have taken on the attitude of the old married woman.
In the hardships I have faced & the knowledge & security that I am loved no matter what I look like on the outside, I have found what it really means to have true inner beauty. That beauty shows outwardly & though I no longer have that cute smile or those sexy mischievous eyes, I have found that I can look in the mirror & see a beautiful creature. I may not always be happy with how my hair looks or, the blemishes I still get on my face even though I'm in my 30s, or the fact that I now have cellulite that came from being stuck in a hospital bed. I might get frustrated at my laugh lines from time to time but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They remind me of how much laughter my husband has brought into my life.
I would love for other women to realize their own true beauty. It shines throughout & makes the world around them a more beautiful place to live in. No one & nothing can make you more or less beautiful than you already are. And you know what? The Doctor was one that helped me come to that realization. Wow I almost went an entire rant with out mentioning my beloved Doctor, that almost never happens. I think that if I could use the TARDIS & go back to my teens to tell myself one thing, it would be to always believe in myself no matter what. I think The Doctor would be okay with that.
